Climate change deniers legally required to wear Canada Goose jackets from November to April
VICTORIA, B.C.—Facing a renewed wave of resistance to what is a sweeping consensus in the scientific community, climate change scientists have filed a court order that will force deniers to wear parkas during the once frigid cold winter months in Canada. They are hoping that this drastic measure will help people finally understand the gravity of the situation we are facing.
"When I got my PhD from MIT I thought I would be able to use my research to help save the planet. In reality, most of my job seems to be arguing with jag-offs named TruckNutz69 who have a B.A. in Head Up Their Ass from the University of Twitter," stated Mark Hutchins, a climate researcher who is clearly at his wits' end.
"So I started advertising in the back of The Sun that I needed deniers for a research study that pays $80 in Arby's coupons. When they get here I stick them in a Canada Goose coat, jam the zipper shut and say 'come back in April.'"
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While this program seems to present some ethical issues, they do not seem to be of concern to Hutchins.
"They always come begging to be let out because they are too hot. 'How can you be hot?' I say, 'It's winter! It must be cold!' Then I just tell them to go to hell, which, by my calculations, will only be offensive for another 12 years. By then, hell will be a comfortable and temperate vacation destination compared to the ball of flame we once called Earth."
Hutchins' office tells a bleak tale about the effect continued inaction seems to be having on the scientific community.
Then I just tell them to go to hell, which, by my calculations, will only be offensive for another 12 years.- Mark Hutchins, Climate Researcher
A stack of papers reading "Paris Agreement" seem to now be primarily serving as an ashtray, Norwegian black metal band Darkthrone is blasting at an aggressive volume, and a case reading "Break Glass in Event of Climate Emergency" simply contains a revolver and single bullet.
When asked if he had noticed a correlation between climate change denial and the emergence of modern Flat Earth societies, Hutchins responded: "Wait, what Earth societies?" After checking Twitter, he flew into a violent rage, unleashing a string of profanities while punching the wall. He then ended the interview, claiming he had important research to do while opening a DVD copy of 1993 thriller Falling Down starring Michael Douglas.
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