American tobacco companies reclassify cigarettes as "mouthguns" to avoid regulation

Mounting pressures have caused this industry to make a dramatic branding change in the hopes of changing public perception.

DURHAM, NC–Citing mounting pressures on the sale and use of cigarettes, Big Tobacco has stated that in 2017 it will seek to change public perception with their dramatically rebranded "mouthguns".

Mike Deer, President of the Tobacco Manufacturers Association recalls the moment of inspiration.

"I was out with the guys buying guns and would you believe it? None of us had any refreshing smokes! We were trying to track some down when one of us said, 'I wish it was as easy to get a safe and satisfying cigarette as it is to get an American-made firearm.' That's when the idea hit me like an inhale of cool, smooth flavour: mouthguns."

Mouthguns, like handguns, will be primarily marketed for self-defence. Manufacturers hope to strike gold in this area, as mouthguns reportedly offer many features a conventional handgun cannot.

"If you find a burglar in your home, a handgun is undeniably the best way to defend yourself," Deer explains.

"But how does that handgun help if your spouse is secretly siphoning your money completely unbeknownst to you? That's where mouthguns come in. Light one up and it goes to work on anyone around you, and I mean anyone, that may do you harm. There is conclusive data on this that we no longer need to forcefully deny. The advantages are plain to see, and that's without even considering the flavour of one, which, I must reinforce, is rich and heavenly."

Ultimately, the only thing that can stop a criminal with a gratifying mouthgun is a law-abiding citizen with a flavourful mouthgun of his own.- Mike Deer, President of the Tobacco Manufacturers Association

​Mouthguns are also said to be as simple to operate as any gun. Absolutely no training, education, or knowledge will be required to own and operate a mouthgun safely and effectively.

As soon as you're old enough to walk, your guardian can get you hooked on this proud American tradition.

In addition to avoiding regulation, Deer also hopes to capitalize on the positive publicity around guns. Sales of firearms actually increase after mass shootings and he believes this could extend to mouthguns as well.

"If you're a mouthgun owner and your grandmother dies of lung cancer, I'm not going to say she was plotting to spend all your inheritance, I'm just presenting you with the facts that she died and mouthguns have been show to kill thieves. Ultimately, the only thing that can stop a criminal with a gratifying mouthgun is a law-abiding citizen with a flavourful mouthgun of his own."

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.