Canada Writes

The Short List- West

Laurie Schwartz (Banff, AB)

RANT

Laurie Schwartz

Eat your heart out.

The only value that I see in Valentine's Day is chocolate. Really, what else do we single people past 35 have to celebrate that day? Sure, you could go pick up another lonely stranger for sex to prove you're not alone, but when you're past the phase of being a "bar star" or you've maxed out your health benefits for penicillin, then chocolate looks pretty darned good.

Let's analyze the imagery of Valentine's Day, shall we? Honestly, it's horrific. A fat kid in diapers hovering in the sky, gleefully slinging nasty pointy arrows down to create another sniveling slave to love!?! Oh, the romance! And then there's the insult of bloody red hearts all over the place.

Well, people, those hearts had to come from somewhere. I'll tell you where. They're wrenched out of the empty cores of single people for whom "the perfect one is out there...somewhere..." that missed the boat again this holiday. And on Valentine's Day we take those lonely hearts and stick them on cards and hang them in store windows and stuff them full of - you guessed it - chocolate. Bon appetit.

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How It Works

  1. Write In!

    Out of hundreds and hundreds of entries, just twenty Canadians made it to the Short List and won themselves an audition with Canada Writes. Then eight semi-finalists were picked to play in the Eastern semi-finals and Western/Northern semi-finals.

    Read their winning songs, blogs, ads, rants and movie pitches!

  2. Tune In… or Join Us!

    On March 14th and April 4th, tune in to GO! on CBC Radio One at 10 am (10:30 am NT) for the Eastern and Western/Northern semi-final games in Halifax and Vancouver. The finals will be held in Toronto on April 18th. Or join us at any of the three shows to root for the contestants in person. Go to cbc.ca/go for tickets.

  3. Play Online!

    The Canada Writes 09 Online Challenge is now over. Thanks for playing!

Updates

(Toronto, April 25, 2009)

Canada Writes Finalists

It was a very tight race in the end. Our four finalists fought it out by blog, song, ad and a three-line story. First, they each drew a blog topic, from “the best hundred dollars I ever spent” to “one fact I would like to ‘un-know’”. Challenge number 2 was to re-write a song by Queen, with Valerie Stanois from the musical We Will Rock You bringing power vocals to their surprising new words. Then judges Geri Hall, Terry O’Reilly and Darrell Dennis sent Kaveh Mohebbi through the infamous Trap Door. Challenge number 3 was the radio ad. Clever ads for Cornhobbler’s Crematorium and Juice Bar (obviously not a real business) and Christmas greetings from the makers of Flank Chainsaws won Katie Sanders and Laurie Schwartz a last chance at writing glory, but it was Margaret Beach’s turn to go through the Trap Door. Finally, Laurie and Katie had to come up with the first two lines of a three-line story… on yellow writing pads on their laps…and in 90 seconds….

After weeks of effort and tension and achievement -- from the writing contest in January, through the auditions, the short list, the semi-finals and the finals – it was all over in a couple of minutes. Katie pulled ahead by a crucial point -- and became the winner of Canada Writes 09! Listen to the show! Read the blogs!

Canada Writes Judges

For more photos, go to http://www.cbc.ca/go/photogallery.html.

Winner of the Online Challenge! Ontario's Heather Smith is the winner of this year's People's Choice Award. Her winning entry was a re-write of the ABBA song 'Waterloo.' Take a look!

Canada Writes Blog

David Tracey (Vancouver, BC)
David TraceyWestern semi-finalist 09

If I had a nickel for every time someone said to me, “Dave, you write such wildly creative things, where DO you get your ideas?” I’d have…let’s see…hang on… Okay, nothing.

Read full blog post

Read all the Canada Writes blogs.