FINALIST…
Rosemary Rowe
HUMOUR
I’ve been reading a lot of Little House on the Prairie lately and those Ingalls are really making me question my work ethic. I compared my typical day with theirs.
Pa Ingalls: Builds log home.
Ma Ingalls: Plucks prairie chicken that Pa killed just by looking at it.
Me: Write two lines of copy. Deem it “pure internet GOLD”. Take nap.
Something you don’t hear about in detail are the bathroom habits of the pioneers. I get the excruciating blow by blow of Pa Ingalls melting lead for his own bullets, but when and where did he take a dump? I assume it would go something like this: “Pa slipped off his brown leather suspenders. Next, he unbuttoned his pants. His pants had six buttons. They were not ordinary bone buttons, but brass buttons, from town. Ma polished those buttons until they shone. Pa liked to show off the twinkle of his buttons. When his buttons were undone, Pa pulled his pants down by the hole he had dug near the creek bed. Pa squatted over the hole with a grunt from his chest. ‘Ugh!’ said Pa. Pa took the biggest dumps in all of Kansas and Laura was proud.”
BIO
Rosemary Rowe is a playwright, freelance writer and blogger who’s pretty sure Anne of Green Gables turned her gay. She blogs about pioneers, her junkyard hound and accidentally spitting her gum into other ladies’ purses on public transit at www.creampuffrevolution.com.
SEMI-FINALISTS…
Dara Parker
HUMOUR
A delayed departure, 3 movies I have already seen, some questionable “salmon”, and we arrive in Tokyo exhausted. Everyone proceeds through immigration smoothly… except me. The Japanese immigration official refuses to return my passport and says simply “drug dogs.” Panic.
I am taken to an interrogation room and shown a book filled with pictures of illicit drugs. And pornography. “Marijuana?” No. “Cocaine?” No. “Guns?” No. “Marijuana?” Tricky… but no. “Picture books?” Uh, no. The male immigration officer leaves and a woman locks the door. “I search?” Fabulous.
Eventually the male officer returns, this time with a friend, and we proceed to go through my bags, item by item. Underwear, maple cookies, scarf, shoes, tampons, business cards (“You are not a university student?” No. “Ohhhhhh.”)... it’s a small disaster.
Then they find approximately 1000 condoms. They stare. And pull them out one by one. “What is this?” Uh, condoms. “Why?” Uh, they’re not for me (blushing furiously). We’re promoting safe sex. “Oh.” Right. Confident that translated super well.
Eventually I am deemed “non-terrorist status” and delivered outside to an awaiting administration that finds it highly amusing that I happen to be carrying the bulk of our condoms. Oh Canada…
BIO
Dara Parker is the founder of Handprint Adventures, a company that facilitates short-term, international, volunteer placements for corporate teams and working professionals. Prior to this she worked for the United Nations Association in Canada developing and managing a national youth engagement project. Dara brings a wealth of knowledge on international development based on 10 years of working, volunteering and traveling in over 30 countries. She is an experienced facilitator having delivered workshops across the world. Dara also worked as a professional tour guide in Europe. She holds a Master’s Degree in Planning from the University of British Columbia, with a focus on international development planning.
Dara’s passion for literary fiction was fostered when she was a child. As an avid reader she would devour books so quickly that the local library agreed to forego her checkout limit. Aspiring to be an English major, she soon discovered her tastes were more contemporary than old English, which ultimately led her away from formal English studies. She now concentrates on writing amusing emails to her friends in the hopes of igniting a lucrative writing career.
Troy Wilson
AD
ANNOUNCER: Let’s compare The Informer, Calloway College’s student newspaper…
(SFX: NEWSPAPER BEING FLOPPED ONTO A TABLE)
ANNOUNCER: …with a stick.
(SFX: STICK BEING DROPPED ONTO A TABLE)
ANNOUNCER: The Informer comes from trees.
(SFX: POWER SAW CUTTING TREE)
ANNOUNCER: So does a stick.
(SFX: POWER SAW CUTTING TREE)
ANNOUNCER: The Informer is a great fire starter.
(SFX: MATCH STRUCK, PAPER IGNITING)
ANNOUNCER: So is a stick.
(SFX: MATCH STRUCK, STICK IGNITING)
ANNOUNCER: The Informer contains quality articles about local and national issues written by Calloway’s very own students.
(SFX: PAGES TURNING UNDER ABOVE WORDS)
ANNOUNCER: A stick? Uhh, no.
(SFX: STICK SNAPPING)
ANNOUNCER: The Informer—better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
(SFX: “BOINK!”)
(SFX: “OOW!”)
BIO
Beauty is Troy, Troy beauty. That is all you know on Earth, and all you need to know. Well, that and the fact that Troy Wilson is best known as the author of Perfect Man, an award-winning picture book illustrated by Dean Griffiths.
Thanks to the judges!
Jennica Harper is a screenwriter, a stand-up comic and a blogger. She also teaches screenwriting at the Vancouver Film School.
Richard Side is the producer and creator of The Debaters on CBC Radio One. He’s written for tv, film and the stage.
1. October 1st to October 12th
We have received your submissions in the following categories:
Thank you!
2. Auditions are over. Five finalists have been chosen!
Now they’ll head to Toronto for the taping of Canada Writes with Jian Ghomeshi. They’ll have to compete with each other—and the clock—to impress the three judges.
3. Listen to Canada Writes, the radio show, and visit Canada Writes on-line beginning November 20th...
Writing skills—and nerves—will be put to the test as contestants get one hour to complete each writing challenge. They’ll have to be versatile too. Each challenge is in a different Canada Writes category. But the moment of truth is in the delivery: the contestants will have to impress the judges with their read to stay in the game!
You can take the same timed challenges right here at cbc.ca/canadawrites AND vote for (and win) a People’s Choice Award for on-line entries.
