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Close Encounters with Science: Picks

Pumpkin banana cream mousse tart by Sylvia Shawcross

There are some of us who just don't belong on the Internet. We just don't.

We, the technically illiterate, charge onto the Internet with unbridled optimism, curiosity and unfortunately a whole lot of innocence. That’s when the trouble begins.

We, for instance, haven't developed the skill of self-restraint in forums where blithering idiots are explaining a “pumpkin banana cream mousse tart” recipe. Being an expert, you simply cannot rest until you've raved well into the night to a group of strangers about how the pumpkin must be grated and not pureed. You debate long past the point of reasonable inevitably ending up as banned from the forum.

Just for the record, this is a very bad thing to do to a person who has so much to say.

Undaunted, we find ourselves a little “blog-making thing for idiots” and labour long into the night to write the quintessential “pumpkin banana cream mousse tart” recipe for connoisseurs with detailed photographs and deeply witty little asides.

But no one visits the blog.

This is how it is. You check your blog every morning and go into paroxysms of joy when you find you’ve had a comment, a rare occurrence indeed. Then, after about three weeks you start to get brave with technology. This is where it all goes wrong. Never go near any click button labeled “advanced.”

I know this because I was looking at the advanced menu audience on my blog when I became ridiculously curious about a website called Got His which was regularly visiting. What, I wondered, did Got His have? This led me to a very unfathomable website and a forum which I promptly registered for in order to see if they were discussing my “pumpkin banana cream mousse tart.” They weren’t.

“Got His” turned out to be “Goth is” and now a person called Monkey of Death keeps sending me e-mails. He’s a friend of Goddess of the Night Whip and both of them are most distraught by how Gingerscream has done her latest hairdo that appears to feature chicken bones. They both think it should have been road-kill crow bones.

Now, I’ve explained repeatedly that I’m a 54-year-old woman who drinks warm milk with a touch of brandy before bed and does the weekly cryptic crossword. I am, in other words not a Goth. But I appear to be a member of a Goth website.

And they won’t help me get out.

They just ignore all my pleas and keep checking the box that says ‘like this post.’ They’re a cruel little bunch. They don’t even give a damn about my “pumpkin banana cream mousse tart” beyond the fact that they think it needs black icing and a little fake blood.

I tell no lie. So if there is anybody out there who understands this stuff, please send help. I’m stuck on a Goth website and can’t get out.


Sylvia Shawcross is from Chelsea, QC.

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