Monday, February 25, 2013 |
First aired on Q (14/2/13)
The start of a romantic relationship can be intense and exciting -- a time filled with an abundance of passion, desire, and a lot of times, sex. But as time passes with the same partner, the intimate connection can also fade. The focus shifts from romantic gestures to asking, "why there are socks on the floor?"
The lack of spark between long-term couples is why Canadian sex expert Josey Vogels wrote Better Sex in No Time: A Guide for Busy Couples. There are a ton of sex and relationships books on the market. With this one, Vogels wanted to address what she sees as a universal problem.
In an interview on Q with guest host Jann Arden, Vogels says her book is about getting down to the basics: What is intimacy in a relationship? What does it mean to stay connected? How do you keep intimacy in your relationship one gesture at a time?
"Romance is whatever it takes in your relationship to make your partner feel appreciated, like you're noticing them and that you still care that they're there," she says.
The way romance is portrayed in pop culture hasn't helped.
"You see in movies these huge gestures and romances like a man in tights playing a lute. It's these weird abstract ideas of romance. It's really intimidating for men because they don't know what the heck it is, and women have this weird idea about what it is because they've been fed all this garbage in movies and what it should be."
Everyone thinks everyone else is having more sex than them. Vogels tells them to stop thinking about others and to focus on their own relationship.
"It's important to reenergize the brain pattern we had at the beginning. I always tell women to start thinking with their genitals a little bit. Try to rekindle that sexual being inside yourself."
She says it's the simple things that matter and to focus on the positive. Be kind to one another. Verbalize the things you like about the partner. Hold hands and kiss each other. Dress up for dinner. If you're going to wear pyjamas, make them silk.
"Put yourself in a sexual frame of mind once in a while. You need to take care of your sexual being."