JERUSALEM—A brave new read on a very old text suggests that Jesus Christ perhaps took his birthday a bit too seriously. Most modern scholars of antiquity agree that Jesus of Nazareth existed historically, though vigorous debate occurs around the lines drawn between Jesus the historical figure, the biblical prophet, and the birthday boy.

Until now, it was widely believed that the reason none of Christianity's canonical texts make reference to Jesus' birthday was that the prophet was sensitive about aging. The gnostic gospels — known to be on the passive aggressive side — mention only that Jesus was "a little high maintenance" and jokingly refer to the Jewish preacher as Jesus of Narcissus.

The only known account of Jesus' birthday celebrations is an apocryphal text that has perplexed scholars for generations. Theologian and biblical scholar L. T. Briggs explained that it was a snag in the translation. "Until recently, no modern language had a word that resembled the one in the original Greek," said Briggs. "The coining of 'Birthdayzilla' was a boon to the entire theological field." The result is that we are one step closer to understanding the man, Jesus of Nazareth. Briggs added, "I guess it's not surprising that an individual who believed he was the Son of God would make a big deal about his big day."

The twelve days of Christmas should have tipped us off sooner. - Historian Agatha Wilkes

"The twelve days of Christmas should have tipped us off sooner," said Near East Historian Agatha Wilkes. "It's textbook 'zilla." Wilkes is particularly interested in a passage that scholars have taken to calling "The Big Three-Oh." Likely the most significant of Jesus's birthday parties, upwards of 5,000 disciples attended the ironic toga-themed celebration.

As the guitar was not invented until centuries later, Jesus instead performed all his hit miracles to keep a firm hold on the centre of attention. He fed the multitudes with only six red velvet cupcakes and half a party sub. He healed a woman with sticky-outy-ears, though there's no evidence that she asked him to do that. He exorcised a fig tree after some of the fruit fell on his head and scared him. "He could have just turned the water to wine," said Wilkes, "But Jesus was the guy who had to walk on it first."

The discovery has had far-reaching implications across academia. Bill Jackson, a prominent musicologist, has spent the days since the discovery reexamining the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Once thought to be a jolly folk song, Jackson now reads it as a threat. "The song has changed dramatically over the millennia," said Jackson, "What started as a list of demands, developed into a running joke that the apostles would sing behind the prophet's back. Which means that sarcasm may actually be a lot older than we previously thought."

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