Comedy

Woman lives in constant fear of being invited to board game night

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GUELPH, ON—A 26-year-old woman was found hiding in her Guelph-area basement on Thursday night. She had been missing for a week after receiving a bone-chilling phone call from a former classmate inviting her to board game night at Cheryl's house.

Meredith Greaves claims she attended one such games night five years ago as a way to meet new people at university, and has been bombarded with Facebook invites ever since.

"Every new add-on to Settlers of Catan is a living nightmare," Greaves whispers, a single tear rolling down her face. "THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH MUTTON A WOMAN CAN TRADE."

CBC reached out to Cheryl Eagleton, the games night host. While we received no response, we did get an invitation to Carcassonne Night next Thursday, provided we bring enough guacamole for 11 people.

This isn't the first documented case of board game terror and fatigue. Sarah Nyhagen, a junior sales associate at a local telecommunications company, admits she was recently invited via text message to a games night. She attempted to politely decline by saying "Sorry", to which the invitee replied, "Yes, exactly! Sorry." This confused Sarah who then asked for clarification, saying: "Sorry?"

"It became a goddamn Abbott and Costello routine from hell," said Nyhagen, clearly shaken by the incident.

"Monday it's Monopoly, Tuesday, Trouble. Every day it's something new. I get invited to another Risk party, it might turn out to be 13 Dead End Drive, if you know what I'm saying," said Arav Suri. Suri's office management recently began encouraging employees to spend more time together on their lunch break in order to improve staff morale. "I'm talking about murder."

"The lunch room has been converted into a board game socializing nook," he sighs. "I never thought I'd actually say this, but all I want is to get some goddamn work done. By hour three of our Apples to Apples marathon, spreadsheets start to look pretty appealing."

It appears no amount of excellent new shows on Netflix, big summer blockbusters, or top tier dining experiences can sway board game enthusiasts from their passion.

"I just don't answer my phone anymore," says Meredith Greaves. "I don't text. I don't talk. I don't tweet. I've reverted to simply experiencing the game of life."

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