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French cop: "Go cut out carbs, get bikini-body ready, and put on a hot pink thong like a liberated woman"

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NICE, FRANCE—French police in Nice confronted a woman on a beach yesterday and ordered her to publicly remove her Burkini, a full-body swimming garment designed for Islamic women that has been banned in numerous French towns. The cops who approached the woman say they will not tolerate the Burkini as it is a symbol of female oppression.

"This woman needs to be freed from the horrible confines of the Burkini, which was created specifically to subjugate women and cater to male needs," explains Luc Aubry. "And you know what? I'm going to free her by demanding that she instead spend three months every spring riddled with anxiety about bikini season to the point that she cuts out wheat, sugar, dairy, and any other food groups that bring her joy so that her body shape pleases the male gaze."

"Just imagine!" Aubry adds. "Once she's been liberated from the Burkini, she'll be free to prepare for beach season by taking a pole dancing class, or some sort of awful boot camp exercise program where the goal is to achieve the hourglass shape that excites men sexually."

Aubry's policing partner Jerome Mirabeau agrees wholeheartedly, and adds:

"It would also be ideal if before she sets foot on the beach, she could spend upwards of $100 getting waxed on the parts of her body that the porn industry has decided should be hairless."

"Oh, and hit up a tanning salon to get a base," he continues. "Nobody wants to look at white, pasty legs! That's far more important than the likelihood of skin cancer."

When asked what the woman should wear to the beach in place of her Burkini, Mirabeau offered several suggestions.

"Well, a truly liberated Western woman should spend weeks on end tearfully trying on skimpy neon-coloured bikinis in secret after work until she finds one that makes her feel the least amount of shame about her disgusting body."

Aubry nods.

"She should aim for a bikini that's flattering to her body shape," he explains. "And I don't want to see her walking along a beach in horizontal stripes, even if she likes them. They're not slimming. They'll make her look like 19 whales stitched together."

The two cops laugh for twenty minutes straight.

"If this woman has any confusion about what kind of bikini to buy, there are hundreds of women's magazines that can help," Aubry continues. "God, we're just so much better in the West. Get this: our insanely liberated women pay money for magazines to tell them why they're all ugly failures. And then all our outrageously free women anxiously spend millions of dollars on products to correct their failures because society has told them every single day since childhood that how they look is more important than how they feel. You can find these magazines online or in stores. You can find the Coles Notes version on every billboard and ad and commercial ever created. We call them the Liberation Papers!"

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