Who's that girl? Pop icon Madonna could use some new material. (Dan Chung/Associated Press)
Dear Madonna,
Listen, mothers are tough enough on each other as it is, which is why I promise not to dwell on the following:
a) That in your flame-out attempt to raise awareness about AIDS orphans in Africa, you swanned into Malawi, splashed around some money and hand-picked a little boy to take home as a souvenir. Along the way, you offended the locals and sidestepped the country’s adoption requirements — though you protested your innocence — playing into the stereotype that international adoption involves helpless kids being poached from poor countries by rich Westerners.
b) That after you allegedly told your lawyers that they have “an open chequebook” to ensure that 13-month-old David isn’t taken away from you, you didn’t even bother to fly to Malawi in person to pick him up. Instead, you sent your nanny to fight her way through the paparazzi with a jet-lagged toddler who — à la Blanket — had his wee head wrapped up in a hoodie. (To be fair, I don’t think you abdicated your parental responsibilities just because David was adopted. If you could have hired a nanny to push Lourdes and Rocco out for you, I’m sure you would have.)
c) That even though I don’t know you and your husband at all and so it’s perhaps unfair to judge your intentions, I’m pretty sure your conversation about adopting a child from Africa began something like this: “Guy, I’m soooo bored. No one’s talking about me any more.”
No, Madonna, let’s not linger on those things. Three kids are a lot of work and I know you’re busy so I’ll cut to the chase: It’s your career that I’m worried about.
When you humped the stage to Like a Virgin in your hoochied-up wedding dress at the MTV video awards in 1984, it was my generation’s Elvis Presley gyrating hips moment — the arrival of a pop star who would revolutionize attitudes about sex and sexuality. Susan Faludi and Naomi Wolf may have written the theory on the post-feminist backlash/beauty myth, but you were the maddeningly contradictory and wildly appealing practice: a ball-buster trussed up by a boy toy belt buckle.
Over the years, your frantic self-reinvention has, at times, been absurd — from your dubious forays into acting to your irritatingly self-righteous embrace of spirituality to your wobbly British accent. But you’re one of the few pop icons who actually deserves the title. Until recently, each new release and each new persona was a bellwether event. Who were we all going to be emulating next? Gay cowboy pimps? Bisexual dominatrices? Techno belly dancers? Marilyn Monroe impersonators? Black Jesuses? The wife of a Latin American dictator? Those were good times, Madonna, and I still have the rubber bangles, the mehndi stains and a first edition of Sex to prove it.
But now you’ve become something no one would have expected: dull and desperate. First, there’s your lacklustre, derivative new album followed by your recycled concert stunts. Hanging yourself on a cross? Didn’t you cover that territory — gasp, 17 years ago! — with Like a Prayer?
Been there, done that: Madge strikes a pose during her 2006 Confessions Tour. (Dave Hogan/Getty Images)
Then there’s your freakishly ripped, cyborg-like bod, which is sadly not the result of your own iron woman drive. Rather, as you confessed to Daphne Merkin in Elle magazine earlier this year, your 47-year-old figure is rigorously maintained out of a cowed housewife’s need to please her husband. “I wish I were comfortable enough to look zaftig,” you sighed. “But I choose men who like carved-out women, the can-you-run-for-the-bus kind of guy.” And, in return for your pilates-yoga-macrobiotic-cardio-boot-camp effort, how does the barely employed bum you married reward you? He casts you in Swept Away as a thinly veiled you — a spoiled, snotty rich bitch who works out obsessively — who is tamed like a shrew by a working-class joe who slaps her around and makes her call him “master.” It doesn’t take Dr. Freud to decipher that subconscious message. Honey, he’s just not that into you.
And now there’s the baby fiasco. Maybe you’re sincere and you’ll make a great mom to David and do a lot of good for other orphans. But if your latest incarnation is a Santa Angelina-style humanitarian, then you’ll need to work on your tact and humility. Are you really so surprised that people are questioning your motives? Like Warren Beatty said in Truth or Dare, you don’t “even want to live off-camera.” That’s fine for you, but children shouldn’t have to be raised in front of them.
But you know what, Madonna? You can get out of this slump. I know you can. You survived Shanghai Surprise and that’s not nothing. There’s still time to reclaim that self-assured, take-no-prisoners superstar who simulated masturbation onstage, demanded that we “express ourselves,” built a decade-spanning, multimillion-dollar career on her own terms and didn’t seem to care one bit about what her critics had to say.
Look at some of your contemporaries. Demi Moore has invested hundreds of thousands of dollars into plastic surgery and Nicole Kidman — who’s decided she wants to be Mother Teresa, too — has turned her forehead into the Canadian shield. Sting has taken up the lute and the ever more ghoulish U2 continue to feed off their former glory. Do you really want be lumped in with that bunch?
If there ever was a time for an entertainer to embrace their badass aging self and prove that life after 40 (and 50 and 60 …) can be creative, relevant and exciting it’s now. So go feed your kids and yourself some BLTs and stop taking cues from Brangelina on what’s cool. You’re freaking Madonna, after all, and don’t you forget it.
Sincerely,
Rachel
Rachel Giese writes about the arts for CBC.ca.
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Letters:
- I understand there is probably some element of "fun" to this article, but like the person you describe,using your own words "youve become something no one would have expected: dull and desperate." Seriously, how hard is it to make unfounded attacks - like claiming she's whiney and the world owes her all of their attention - how can you know that? I didn't know it was the CBC's place to engage in Schoolyard Sallying. Personally, I'm tired of "attitude" and attacks masquerading as "journalism" - if I wanted that I'd watch CNN or FOX News. Seriously, Bono may be a total wanker, and Madonna may in fact be a has-been, but at least they are using their celebrity to do SOMETHING. When's the last time anything *you* did let so many people know about an issue such as AIDS or hunger? They're pop stars, what else can they really do?
- Michael Pawluk
- Hamilton, Ontario
- Your diatribe against our Madonna is well received - at times humorous. The fact that she's still able to get under your skin at all is adequate proof of her continued success.
- Mark Petri
- Toronto, Ontario
Wow, why is this woman spewing so much venom? I would think that as a journalist, you would have a little more integrity than to slag someone off for doing a bit of good in the world. I can't understand why the media is so mean to a woman who's given so many people so much joy!! And now she's giving a little boy, who was destined for an early grave, the best life ever imaginable.
I'll admit, I'm not Madonna's biggest fan--but I will give her this...at 48 years old, she still knows how to light fires (and sell tickets and CDs by the truckload). And another thing...
Right on for Madonna--without her, I wouldn't know what or where Malawi is!! She's certainly opened up my (and probably many others) eyes to the devastation.- Brian Taback
- Chicago, USA
Rachel, Please do me a favor and simply muster up the courage to admit you're a little jealous you couldn't get ticekts to her show.
I did--front row! And it was fantastic. So buckle up your woes, and start writing about something more pressing.
Kindly,- Elena Iacono
- Ottawa, Ontario
- I have admired Rachel Giese's work on the CBC website for some time, and her piece on Madonna is in keeping with much of what she has produced previously. Her take on Madonna's desperate attempt to keep the spotlight overhead is both clever and direct. With all the tabloid-type journalism that continues to flourish (the intro of a new-to-Canada tabloid mag, Hello; the intro of a Canadian E.T.: these are particularly worrisome and depressing)it is of dire importance that there be a cross-section of journalism that can keep things in check. Although Madonna will probably never read Ms. Giese's 'open letter', I certainly did, and in having done so confirmed that, like Ms. Giese, I am still half-way normal. That said, and more importantly, I haven't the bank account to support my ego. If I did, I would adopt lots of kids, my wife and I would create some sort of ridiculous contraction using our two first names, and we would ignore the laws and traditions of each and every country we could. That's celebrity, no?
- Doug D. Gilmour
- Toronto, Ontario
- Brilliant story/letter!! I loved your panache and obviously well researched into Madonna's past reincarnations! perfect commentary. I have been feeling it's rather "odd" what she has done, your article shone the light on the strange undercurrents of desperation and manipulation!
- Lisa
- Ottawa, Ontario
- I think Rachel Giese has a low self esteem problem or she's got to be jealous. I mean, how can you put down and bad mouth an individual who not only developed herself into an icon but also has actually a tremendous talent. I'm not a big fan of Madonna but I know she has kept up with growing old and keeping up to sales very well. If only others could progress that way! Anyway, whether Madonna is trying to get publicity or not with adopting a child, she's still doing a good deed and should not be looked down upon. If only more celebrities would adopt those less fortunate. This has been the worst publication I have ever read on CBC. Nobody deserves to be put down that way.
- Lisa J.
- Hamilton, Ontario
- What the hell is that U2 comment referring to? A band who constantly reinvents itself, creating new and original music, devoting its time, fame and wealth to things humanitarian prior to its pop-popularity? Or was Rachel Giese just throwing in names out of desperation for some of her own recognition? When's the last time you saw Madonna hit up every heads of states for relief money? If you want to name drop Rachel, get your facts straight first. You lost a lot of credibility with me when I saw that end of article slam.
- Steve Green
- Windsor, Ontario
- Wow. All the whacky accusations about Madonna's 'intentions' concerning the boy aside, as if Madonna needs any help on creating a successful career. A lot of advice giving here by the author, and even some encouragement at the end, but a distinct lack of a single thank-you to their subject for providing them with something to actually write about.
- Carlos Escobar
- Guelph, Ontario
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