Rock the Voters

Illustration by Jillian Tamaki.

The campaign buses are headed out across the country. The candidates are primed. It’s Canada Votes… Again!

To lighten up what promises to be a retread of the last federal election (only a lot more nasty), we’ve done a little image consulting, taking a page from former U.S. president Bill Clinton. The Arkansas governor was trailing incumbent George Bush in the polls in 1992 when he made an appearance on The Arsenio Hall Show. Wearing dark sunglasses, he played Heartbreak Hotel on his saxophone. That appearance turned the race around, and made Clinton America’s first rock and roll president. The same might just work for Canada’s next leader. Here are some unsolicited pop-culture makeovers for our federal party leaders.

Leader: Stephen Harper, 46, Conservative Party
PR challenge: Zero charm and even he knows it. Harper once joked that he was the only person who actually looked like his passport photo. (Actually, that was kind of funny. Maybe there is some charm buried deep beneath those steely, unblinking eyes.)
Image makeover: Harper needs a little casual rumple to warm him up. Clearly, the cowboy look is not the way to go. But a few photo ops playing with his kids in jeans and a sweater would allow Canadians to see a glimmer of Harper’s humanity.
Suggested campaign theme song: Country music is too obvious, so classic Canuck rock it is. If Harper goes negative on the Liberals, there’s Trooper’s Dump That Guy, or A Fine Mess (You’ve Gotten Us Into). But for sheer, hard-rocking, beer-drinking, pissed-off populist appeal, the band’s Raise a Little Hell is perfect: “If you don’t like what you got, why don’t you change it? / If your world is all screwed up, then rearrange it / Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!”
Suggested celebrity endorsement: Calgary Flames captain Jarome Iginla is exactly the kind of star power Harper needs. He’s Alberta-born, plays the country’s beloved national sport, is biracial (which would address concerns that the Conservative Party lacks diversity) and, most important, he’s as warmly charismatic as Harper is awkwardly wooden.
Suggested favourite book: Harper has a reputation for being a bit of a policy wonk, so a folksy book like Stuart McLean’s Vinyl Café Diaries would play up his softer side, plus it might win over a few of the latte-swilling, CBC-listening central Canadians who tend to vote Liberal or NDP.

Leader: Prime Minister Paul Martin, 67, Liberal Party
PR challenge: A country that believes the Liberal Party is full of big, fat lying liars and corporate backscratchers. Martin often gets criticized for his aloofness and occasional temper tantrums.
Image makeover: It’s a tough one. Too casual and he looks like a dilettante; too buttoned-down and he looks like an untrustworthy suit. He may want to rely on high-profile Liberals, like corporate powerhouse Belinda Stronach, hockey legend Ken Dryden and intellectual Michael Ignatieff to turn around the party’s fortunes.
Suggested campaign theme song: At first glance, the shipping magnate doesn’t seem to have much in common with Toronto rapper Maestro Fresh Wes. But Wes’s comeback anthem Stick to Your Vision, which samples the Guess Who's These Eyes, could be based on Paul Martin’s life: “(These eyes) seen a lot of shame in the game / (These eyes) seen a lot of pain with the fame / (These eyes) seen a lot of highs and lows, but that's just the way life goes.”
Suggested celebrity endorsement: With Bono busting his chops, Martin might want to find some new musician-activist friends. Maybe War Child darlings Raine Maida and Chantal Kreviazuk could lend their support.
Suggested favourite book: Touting Peter C. Newman’s The Secret Mulroney Tapes could draw attention away from the Liberals’ troubles and remind voters that Conservatives can be intemperate idiots, too.

In need of pop culture makeovers? Prime Minister Paul Martin sits next to Conservative Leader Stephen Harper, Bloc Quebecois Leader Gilles Duceppe and NDP Leader Jack Layton at a reception for the Canadian Arab Federation last week in Ottawa. (CP Photo/Jonathan Hayward)

Leader: Gilles Duceppe, 58, Bloc Québécois
PR challenge: Outside Quebec, he is generally considered the guy who wants to rip apart the country.
Image makeover: Adscam backlash will most certainly help the BQ pick up seats in Quebec, but for reasons that are obvious, the party has no interest in fostering national appeal. Duceppe, an erstwhile Communist and labour organizer, can be a bit of a frump, preferring the standard white shirt with a dark suit combination to a modern, slick look. He should reconsider. It took him years to live down his dork image after the press caught him in a hair net touring a cheese factory in 1997. How about some fitted shirts and silk ties in indigo and charcoal to highlight his piercing blue eyes?
Suggested campaign theme song: Patriotic and chicly nostalgic, 1970s Quebec pop star Michel Pagliaro’s J’ai marché pour une nation(recorded in English as Walking Across the Nation) seems apropos: “Et j'ai marché pour une nation / Qui je crois veux vivre libre / Et on entend la revolution / Qui voudrait bien tout nous dire” (“I have walked for a nation / that I think wants to live free / and we hear the revolution / that wants to tell us everything”).
Suggested celebrity endorsement: Who else but septuagenarian separatist Raymond Lévesque? The esteemed singer-songwriter made headlines last month when he refused a $15,000 Governor General's Award because of his anti-federalist beliefs. In response, a group of separatists passed the hat and gave Levesque $33,000 for his commitment to the cause.
Suggested favourite film: Jean-Marc Vallée’s C.R.A.Z.Y. was a critical and box-office hit this summer. Set in Montreal in the 1970s and 1980s, it celebrates traditional French-Canadian values (family and the Catholic Church) while asserting a tolerant, open-minded future for Quebec.

Leader: Jack Layton, 55, New Democratic Party
PR challenge: Despite his savvy political manoeuvres this year, Layton is still regarded by some of mainstream Canada as a tree-hugging, same-sex-marriage-embracing radical. In order to maintain a positive momentum, he needs to hang on to his traditional left-wing supporters while coming across as a safe choice for moderates.
Image makeover: Layton has already crafted a debonair look that balances gravitas (nice suits) with personal flair (NDP-orange ties). The moustache, however, is as divisive as a Quebec referendum. Does it scream firefighter macho, or Village People disco? Only the voters can decide.
Suggested campaign theme song: Apologies to stalwart Jack supporters the Barenaked Ladies, but Layton could broaden his appeal in youth, immigrant and urban communities by choosing something by Portuguese-Canadian songstress Nelly Furtado. How about the song Forca, commissioned for the Euro 2004 soccer championship? The title means “strength” and the lyrics are rousingly feel-good: “It is that flower that you took the time to smell / It is the power that you know you got as well / It is the fear inside that you can overcome / This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum.” It’s just the thing to distinguish Layton from the negative battle between Martin and Harper.
Suggested celebrity endorsement: Kiefer Sutherland. Not only is he the grandson of Tommy “universal healthcare” Douglas, but as 24’s Jack Bauer, Kiefer kicked some serious bad-guy butt. Who better to prove that socialism isn’t for sissies?
Suggested favourite film: Egghead enough to make him look serious, but popular enough that voters will recognize it, Les invasions barbares (The Barbarian Invasions), Denys Arcand’s sequel to his popular Le Déclin de l'empire américain (The Decline of the American Empire), won an Oscar for best foreign film. Talky and full of debate about books, politics, sex, friendship, love and family, it’s exactly the kind of film that Layton — a man who’s never met a microphone he didn’t love — should admire.

Rachel Giese writes about the arts for CBC.ca.

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