Beautiful losers

Illustration by Jillian Tamaki.

Lost girls

This year, the erratic behaviour of troubled former teen star Lindsay Lohan crossed over from boorish-but-amusing to a cry for help. In the summer, her lousy work ethic earned her a dressing down from a Hollywood studio executive. Then, paparazzi captured her several times looking more stoned than Pete Doherty on a Friday night. Next there was speculation that she was a cutter. But it was the death of director and “father figure” Robert Altman in November that sent Lohan over the edge. She fired off strange, incoherent missives and boasted that she hadn’t had a drink in seven days, despite having been in AA for a year. 

Britney Spears had an equally busy year. Accused of being a bad mother, she conducted an interview in June with NBC’s Matt Lauer while snapping gum and looking like a hot mess. But things began to look up when, just a few weeks after giving birth to their second child, she dumped her dead-weight hubby Kevin Federline via text message (burn!). Too bad, just a few days later, she was flashing her Brazilian wax job while exiting limos, and partying like a sorority girl on spring break. Her new BFF is none other than Paris Hilton (who is also an on-off Lohan pal), the patient zero of this new epidemic of skank-flu. The only known cure? Putting Hilton into quarantine and enlisting Pink and Kate Winslet as deprogrammers.

Dropping anchor

A girl can’t win: After so much media hand-wringing about her “gravitas” (or lack thereof), Katie Couric made her CBS Evening News debut on Sept. 5. In her entry as America’s first female nightly news anchor, her clothes were as much a subject of scrutiny as her performance. Let’s get this straight: Brian Williams goofs it up on Saturday Night Live and Anderson Cooper emotes more often than he reports, and Couric is the one lacking seriousness? (Of course, her mushy blog doesn’t help on the gravitas front.)

‘It was the last seven Limoncellos that got me…’

In 2006, Rosie O'Donnell joined the daytime program The View. (Mary
Altaffer/Associated Press)

As promised, Rosie O’Donnell’s addition to the daily claws-out chat-fest The View heralded no end of mayhem. First, O’Donnell clashed with conservative co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck over gun control. Then, she accused Kelly Ripa, the indefatigably peppy co-host of Live! with Regis and Kelly, of gay-bashing Clay Aiken. (Awkwardly, as O’Donnell defended the singer, she suggested he wasn’t attractive and then outed him.) Finally, as a fitting cap to the year, a boozy Danny DeVito confessed to spreading his seed in the White House’s Lincoln Bedroom, before crawling up onto O’Donnell’s lap. Discussing the incident later, O’Donnell revealed her cultural insensitivity as she shared her version of Cantonese. The View’s ratings? Way up.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a pre-nup

Some of the famous couples who split in 2006:

Hilary Swank & Chad Lowe
Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen
Lance Armstrong & Sheryl Crow
Heather Locklear & Richie Sambora
Paul McCartney & Heather Mills
Russell Simmons & Kimora Lee Simmons
Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock
Kate Hudson & Chris Robinson
Carmen Electra & Dave Navarro
Britney Spears & Kevin Federline
Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Phillippe
Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown
Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn
Lance Bass & Reichen Lehmkuhl

American Woman, stay away from me!

What’s up with south-of-the-border honeys stealing married Canadian D-list celebs? On the verge of adopting a child with his wife, Mary Jo Eustace, Canadian actor Dean McDermott dumped the former What’s For Dinner? host for Hollywood princess Tori Spelling. A deliciously uncomfortable almost-confrontation occurred when the trio “coincidentally” found themselves at the MuchMusic Video Awards in September. (Team Eustace: Take heart in a little thing called karma.) Meanwhile, just as his pregnant wife Marcia O’Brien was about to pop, Canadian pairs skater Lloyd Eisler ditched her for his Skating with Celebrities partner Kristy Swanson (Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Damn Yankees!

You mean they don’t run the banks and control the media?

Actor-director Mel Gibson in a booking photo after his arrest in July. (Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department/Associated Press)

During a July arrest for driving under the influence, Mel Gibson referred to a female officer as “sugar tits” and went on to blame “the Jews” for all the world’s wars. The devout Catholic later atoned for his slurs, calling them “outrageous, drunken statement(s).” In an attempt to make over his image, the actor-director ended the year with the premiere of his latest magnum opus, the feel-good family movie Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto.

 

 

He is a boy, she is a girl, can we make it anymore obvious?

In July, Canadian pop-punk royal couple Avril Lavigne and Sum 41’s Deryck Whibley tied the knot in a very traditional, very un-rock ‘n’ roll ceremony in California. The groom wore Hugo Boss and the bride sported Vera Wang and a heart tattoo with the letter D on her wrist. Good luck, kids. And here’s a little Canuck marriage advice: keep Deryck away from Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty.

Mad scient(olog)ist

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced the escape from the pod birth of their daughter Suri in April, just a few months before Cruise was dumped by Paramount. Viacom chairman Sumner Redstone ended the 14-year relationship with a classic, it’s-not-me-it’s-you brush-off: “It’s nothing to do with his acting ability, he’s a terrific actor…. But we don’t think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot.” Ouch! But don’t count a playa with an OT-VII rating out. After marrying Holmes in Italy in November, Cruise signed a deal with United Artists to oversee its movies, while his longtime producing partner, Paula Wagner, became CEO of the MGM division.

Missionary position

Whether it was raising awareness about debt relief or AIDS, setting up schools, birthing babies, or adopting them, there was more celebrity spotting in Africa in 2006 than there was around the Chateau Marmont pool. Brangelina sequestered their family in Namibia to await the birth of baby Shiloh. Madonna established an orphanage in Malawi – and controversially adopted a little Malawian boy. George Clooney visited Darfur, and Oprah built a school for girls in South Africa. Maybe they’re dilettantes, maybe it’s a publicity grab. Still, kudos to these stars for using their fame and clout to bring attention — and millions of dollars in aid — to a continent that much of the Western world seems content to leave behind.

Come out, come out, whoever you are

T.R. Knight portrays George O'Malley on the prime-time show Grey's
Anatomy. (Bob D'Amico/ABC/CTV)

Pride Day came more than once this year, as a line-up of celebrities exited the closet, among them: T.R. Knight (Grey’s Anatomy), former boy bander Lance Bass, How I Met Your Mother’s Neil Patrick Harris, Kristanna Loken (Terminator 3) and Michelle Rodriguez (Lost). Maybe the gay mafia does run Hollywood after all.

The N word

Early this year, while promoting his film Dave Chappelle’s Block Party, Chappelle revealed that one of the reasons for his 2005 flight from fame was his dismay at watching a white crew member enjoy the comic’s use of the term “nigger” a little too much. Fast forward to November, when the word led to the downfall of another comedian: former Seinfeld star Michael Richards, who fired off a racist tirade at two black hecklers during his stand-up act. The incident – and the word itself – was hotly debated by those in the biz. (Pioneering black comic and activist Dick Gregory said his response was going to be “to walk out on stage and hand my book [his 1963 autobiography, Nigger] to a white woman in the front and say, ‘Here, madam, take this “nigger” to bed with you.’”)

Rest in peace:

Shelley Winters
Chris Penn
Wendy Wasserstein
Gordon Parks
Muriel Spark
Paul Gleason
June Allyson
Red Buttons
Mickey Spillane
Mike Douglas
Glenn Ford
Steve Irwin
Jane Wyatt
William Styron
Adrienne Shelly
Betty Comden
Robert Altman
Bebe Moore Campbell
Perry Henzell
Peter Boyle

Rachel Giese writes about the arts for CBC.ca.

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