Bad writing arrives like a 'checkered taxi ride burning rubber'
Last Updated: Friday, August 15, 2008 | 1:56 PM ET
CBC News
A love affair likened to New York City beat out a drug-induced marine landscape to win the grand prize in San Jose State University's annual contest of bad writing.
The winning entry came from Garrison Spik, a 41-year-old communications director and writer.
"Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped 'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."'
The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is named after Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, who began his most famous novel "It was a dark and stormy night."
It awards a grand prize of $250 for the worst opening sentence to an imaginary novel.
The runner up, by Andrew Bowers, was:
"'Hmm...' thought Abigail as she gazed languidly from the veranda past the bright white patio to the cerulean sea beyond, where dolphins played and seagulls sang, where splashing surf sounded like the tintinnabulation of a thousand tiny bells, where great gray whales bellowed and the sunlight sparkled off the myriad of sequins on the flyfish's bow ties, 'time to get my meds checked.'"
'... the author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first few words.'—Alex Hall, fantasy winner
The contest also awards prizes in romance, fantasy and other categories.
The romance winner was Jean Villa of Novato, Calif, with this entry:
"Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner."
In the fantasy fiction category, Alex Hall of Greely, Co., won for::
"'Toads of glory, slugs of joy,' sang Groin the dwarf as he trotted jovially down the path before a great dragon ate him because the author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first few words."
And in the vile puns category Becky Mushko of Penhook, Va., won for:
"Vowing revenge on his English teacher for making him memorize Wordsworth's Intimations of Immortality, Warren decided to pour sugar in her gas tank, but he inadvertently grabbed a sugar substitute so it was actually Splenda in the gas. "
There were two Canadian entries among the dishonourable mentions.
