BURNABY, B.C.—Let's hope that this one is a bit easier to address than fossil fuels.
According to a new 15-year study released today by Environment Canada, the second most prominent cause of global warming has been found to be your dad standing in front of the fridge trying to remember exactly what he went in there for.
"Let me stress," said Pierce Morgen, leader of the study, "that it doesn't matter what he went in there for. Whether it was meat, cheese, maybe a juicy pickle, the damage to the environment is entirely dependent on how long the door remains open."
Asked what the average Canadian can do to prevent further damage, Morgen said that "if you haven't heard from your father in a little while, go check if he's silently stewing in rage in the armchair, or watching television in said armchair. If not, check the fridge, and say, 'Hey dad, you hungry?'"
"That kind of unexpected jolt may cause him to remember exactly what he was hungry for."
"And if you yourself are a dad," added Morgen, "try to put a clock somewhere near the refrigerator. Glance at it as you open the fridge, and then take another look if it seems like you've been standing there, glassy-eyed and empty-stomached, for a while. If five minutes have passed, go put some peanut butter on a piece of bread and regroup until you can remember what the heck you were looking for in there."
Predictably, however, there was a certain amount of pushback regarding the research. The National Dads Council of Canada, while it thanked Environment Canada for "your hard work in determining why the air has become warmer, leading to a potential increase in air-conditioning use, and especially thanks to our son Tyler who seems to believe it should be a freaking icebox in here—hey Tyler, iceboxes were something we had when I was a kid, which you always tell me was a million years ago, so why would you want to go back to there—anyway the point is, he should never be even touching the thermostat at all, why is he always touching the damn thing, I've got it, I know where it should be, just leave it alone!"
A spokesperson for the National Dads Council then stepped in to apologize, saying the dads had gotten out of hand a bit, and added that what the dads were trying to say was you shouldn't necessarily blame dad, and please be aware of who has opened the fridge no matter which family member it is, plus mom does it all the time too but you never hear about that.
At press time, Environment Canada recommended just ordering in, maybe.
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