WORLDWIDE—The makers of fidget spinners, a simple tri-lobed toy with a bearing at its centre, claim that the toy can help children who have trouble focusing. While scientific research has yet to confirm the therapeutic qualities of fidget spinners, climate change scientists agree they may be humanity's only hope in the fight against climate change.

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"It's quite simple," says Leonardo DiCaprio, Academy Award-winning actor and the world's foremost expert on climate change. "When a fidget spinner is spun, it creates a tiny jet stream of air. The recent popularity of fidget spinners correlates with an unexpected drop in global temperature. Research shows that the millions of fidget spinners being spun around the world are pushing greenhouse gas emissions into space."

He continues, "The most exciting aspect is that spinning a fidget spinner leaves almost no carbon footprint. As long as children keep spinning them, the climate will stabilize. I'm glad to see child labour doing some good in this world."

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"It's a relief," says Lauren Boyd, an actual climate scientist who has spent most of her 30-year career totally bummed out. "I can't believe I spent decades worrying, fretting, trying to warn the world about the manmade environmental apocalypse looming on the horizon and feeling totally defeated when no one listened. Then fidget spinners come along and now everything is fine. I finally have time to take that pottery class I was too depressed to sign up for."

"It's amazing how indisputable this theory is," says environmental activist David Suzuki. "At first I didn't believe that these tiny devices could be reversing the effects of climate change because that makes absolutely no sense, but after reviewing the data, I was sold. After having this revelation, I bought an SUV and ate a steak the size of manhole cover."

"I am not as optimistic as many of my fellow scientists," laments DiCaprio. "Those who bought fidget spinners did so because they are easily bored. As soon as some other fad comes along, fidget spinners will wind up in landfills along with RompHims and all the other regrettable consumer products of 2017. To save humanity we have to keep these kids fidgety. Installing Red Bull fountains in schools would be a good start."

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